The Making of Neutron

Sometime during my development in my mother's womb, she was watching the movie Jesus of Nazareth. My mother told me, that when Jesus was walking through the desert, there was a moment when his presence filled the screen and that is when she felt me kick for the very first time. She told this to the priest at her church and he told her that God had a special plan for me. I had always felt like that before she even told me that story. Since my birth, my life has been nothing short of a spiritual journey. 

One of my earliest memories, relative to my spiritual quest, was making wishes while blowing dandelion seeds into the air. I know I did this numerous times, but the only wish I remember ever making, was to have supernatural powers. I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. Many events took place in my life from that point, but I remember being filled with empathy and curiosity as I noticed specific details in certain situations. 

I was raised Greek Orthodox and Catholic, going to Sunday School for both. My fathers side is the Greek Orthodox and my Mothers the Catholic. I got to observe both sides of the family talk negatively about each practice and soon developed my own opinion. These are both Christian based religions that worship the same man, Jesus Christ. I chose not to follow either side completely because what I had observed did not show me the compassionate nature, they both seem to be promoting. 

At age 12 I realized my father would treat me the same whether I listened to him or not, so I began to sneak out and steal CDs from the local Target. By age 14, as my memory serves, I became more spiritually curious. The environment around me seemed off, it just didn't feel right. I became more curious about the supernatural and began to read books about Witchcraft. My Aunt basically labeled me a Devil worshiper at that time and would not allow my cousins near me. At the time I was reading about something called Wicca, which basically worships and respects nature. Again, another one of my family members, one of my uncles, labeled me the same and I remember his son, who is younger than I, had stuck up for me and was basically told to shut up because he knew nothing of the situation. 

I had also explained to my father, that things didn't feel right, the world seemed off. He told me to give him an example, to prove it. I told him it's just something I feel, and he told me I was crazy. I thought about that and realized, he is much older than I, maybe he has had these feelings too. So, trusting in him, I turned my back on my developing path and tried to do things his way, but things didn't work for me. I felt I was rotting inside, doing things his way, was only going against everything I felt inside. What I was feeling was not generated by thought, my thoughts began to generate from what I was feeling. I did not know it then, but it was nature, it was God, it was us. 

As I grew older, there were many challenges that faced me socially. I had very low self esteem because my father was very verbally abusive, I felt worthless because that's what I was told. I remember there were times where I would cry myself to sleep, hearing echos in my head, yelling to me that I am an idiot, and I will never amount to anything. Looking back now, and knowing a bit of my father's life, he acted out of fear for me, based off of his own life experiences.

   
Though at the time it was a very painful experience for me, with this realization, I can no longer be angry. I can only forgive his actions through this understanding, I know what his intentions were. Even though we are all accountable for our own actions, how can you condemn someone for not knowing any better? Besides, I would not have the understanding I have today, if things had been any different. Thing could have better, but they also could have been worse. 

I remember at about age 15, when I was learning and practicing Wicca, I had cast a spell on my father. The spell was to quiet his verbal abuse. For a while, the spell seemed to work, until I had forgotten all about it. Until one day, a friend of mine had mentioned that the spell must have still been working because my father was acting very “cool”. It was not uncommon for my father to play the “cool guy” in the presence of others and he still does to this day. However, at the time the spell had slipped my mind, my father was still negative towards me, until my friend reminded me, then it worked again. This made me realize one thing at the time, it was my conscious will, my focus of energy, that determined the success of my desires. 

I began writing very dark poetry at that time of my life, and at about age 16, I would go to coffee shops and pretty much share my life story with total strangers. Many people I would talk to said that I sounded much older than 16 because of my observations and wonders of wisdom I had shared. It was through this process that I began to learn that I was not crazy, but this point was only the beginning. Since then, it has been a tough journey with one simple solution, to leave everyone behind and let nature nurture me. 

It was also about age 16, that I chose Jesus Christ to be my mentor. Not Jesus as we know of him through Christianity, but without trying to prove or disprove anything, just Jesus as he is depicted in a story. I chose the character of Jesus because what his character represents is nothing but love and compassion. How could this be wrong? 

I used to visit the Occult section at libraries and bookstores, because this was of most interest to me at the time. At about age 19, I found a book called “The Way of no Thinking”. I read the back and was interested, so I bought it. A few months had passed and I had not yet read it. A friend asked if he could borrow it and so I let him. He returned to me after reading the book and mentioned that many things I talked about were in this book, now I had to read it. There were areas of the book where full sentences were words that I had spoken and a couple times, it was almost a whole paragraph. 

One thing that this book mentions in the preface, is not to think while reading. Just read and allow your subconscious to point things out as you go. This book was like my bible for a short while. At the time it taught me to let go and just let things flow naturally. One night, there was to be a huge meteor shower, the biggest in 100 years. I really wanted to see it but the clouds were thick in the sky. I sat on my front porch, smoking a cigarette at the time, and meditated. Using the cigarette ash to judge the passing of time, I meditated on the clouds.

Imaging I was the clouds, feeling light and moist, I would open up in the sky, this was the projection of myself within, thinking, feeling and being the clouds. When I opened my eyes, it couldn't have been much more than 2 minutes judging by the cigarette ash. I looked in the sky, and as far as the tree line of my neighborhood, the sky was clear. I was amazed and skeptical, it had to be coincidence. But, as my neighbor and I were waiting for the meteor shower, we noticed more clouds moving in from the north. What was interesting, is that the clouds would split apart at the tree line, moving around the center viewpoint of the sky we were observing and came back together once the reach the south side of the viewable sky. I asked my neighbor if I was mistaken by what I saw, but he was seeing the same thing. 

I never fully believed that I did that, everything we know today is based off of proof. I have told that story for many years and never claimed that I had actually shifted my consciousness into the clouds. But now I actually do commit to that reality. I have learned in other ways that what shapes our reality is the investment of energy we project, it is faith. No matter the amount of detail or if those details make sense to anyone but you or not, it is the unshakable, 100% faith you put into actually “knowing” something to be true that will make it so. 

Another thing happened to me around the age of 19, maybe 20. A blue orb of light came from outer space and entered my room. It flew around for a bit, I could hold it in my hands and feel its energy. It had entered my body and lived in my minds eye for many years. It was my mentor in times of need it would appear. Since then I have been writing many thing about my observations of my life and existence as a whole. I had searched for what this blue light was, but never got a clear finding. 

The same week I had this experience, a friend of mine, who I had told about this blue light, had found a book at the library called “The Blue Light” by Walter Mosley. It is science fiction but explained what happened to me, along with other details I hadn't experienced. But what was even crazier is that in the book, this event took place in California, in the San Francisco Bay Area, where I live. 

This has been the basis of my development and has not been the easiest either. However, I shared this everyday, as I came to realize new tings, with my mother. She was the only one in my family to not tell me I was crazy. I often would change course when learning new things. Many people have their own opinions of why and medical science would blame it on my ADHD. However, I found a constant in all things I have experienced. All things have the same functional similarities, and it would take no set amount of time for me to learn the functions of something new, and I would often loose interest.  

 
Sometimes I would move on to something different if I did not understand something, but that has also allowed me to find different perspectives in order to understand. This has become my greatest strength, and it is those functional similarities that opened the door to understanding and learning ANYTHING. 

I have studied and practiced little bits of different religions and find that they are all functionally the same too. However, recently learning about Hinduism brought me to finally understand something, that blue light. At the time I experienced the blue light, I had known nothing about Chakras, nor had anyone even mentioned anything about a blue light before. But the hue of Indigo, which is a favorite color of mine, happens to represent the “third eye” chakra, located in the forehead, where my blue light had lived. It is said that this light brings universal knowledge, which I have been learning and writing since. This knowledge of chakras is mentioned beyond Hinduism as well, but I was curious what relation Hinduism and the blue light had, besides the third eye. 

When I searched the internet for this, what I read said this, “Westerners call him Jesus and Hinduism calls him Krishna”. It was then that I remembered choosing Jesus to be my mentor when I was in High school, just a few years before this light had came to me. Call it coincidence or what you will, but this is my life experience and with all my struggles I have found a way to utilize what I call talents, for good and to promote love and compassion. 

There are more things I could add but they escaped my mind at the moment. I will revise things as I go and am happy to answer any questions you may have.